News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
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I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Someone just threatened to call me later
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge