If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
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Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Got ya covered
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume