The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
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That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs