Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
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Jogging has never helped my memory.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
I’ve had worse
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?