Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
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I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Jupiter
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Sunday
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.