Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
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The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Challenge accepted.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?