I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
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[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*