Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
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*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.