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Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
My apartment is a mess, I should move