On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
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“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
I’m Sold!
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.