I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
You Might Also Like
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!