The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
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My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
this chia pet tastes awful
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway