how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
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HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.