Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
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My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?