I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
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Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
craving $300 all of a sudden
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat