me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
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everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Got ya covered
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Banana is the quietest snack
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
#Caturday
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Awwwww shit.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”