Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
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No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
This is a bad sign
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies