Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
You Might Also Like
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me