“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
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wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.