*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
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wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Just why bro?!
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Somebody’s lying.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer