Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
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dutch is not a serious language
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.