IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
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Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever