When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
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I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn鈥檛 getting laid
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
They鈥檙e saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
My son said his friend鈥檚 parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I鈥檓 not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
LA today:
Best goalkeeper.. 馃槄
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Great Canadian literature.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don鈥檛 believe it鈥檚 not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It鈥檚 can鈥檛. The word is can鈥檛. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don鈥檛 believe it鈥檚 not can鈥檛.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What鈥檚 the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Meow
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.