[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
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Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
everyone has that one prude friend
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.