“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
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Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
*names my little horse OneTrick*
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here