*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
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date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me