Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
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Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
no such thing as a dumb question
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?