My rap name is When i$ Lunch
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My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.