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hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.