A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
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Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
TEETH IS INNOCENT