Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
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OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?