Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
You Might Also Like
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.