Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
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It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
for all #parents out there
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?