Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
You Might Also Like
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind