i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
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I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Guy who likes music
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.