I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
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Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…