Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
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Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
How did we not see this back then?
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids