You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
You Might Also Like
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears