People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
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To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Does your wife know you’re single?
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.