I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
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Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
just witnessed a drug deal
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
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SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.