In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
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AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
worst…sale…ever
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.