“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
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On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.