Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
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Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere