My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
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Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh