I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
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me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
I think the cat got the dog high.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
When he asks for feet pics
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?