My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
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Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”