Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
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[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.