Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
You Might Also Like
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
The government even made aliens boring
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.