Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
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You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.