“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
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girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Sign of the day..
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog